I Want To Be A Sugardaddy, Dammit!

Howdy, Pardners…

I want to be a celebrity. Not just any celebrity, but a rich and famous celebrity. I want to be followed around by the paparazzi… not being about to even scratch my ass without at least a dozen photographers snapping pictures and zipping those images to every gossip magazine in the world.

I want Rupert Murdoch to really want to hack my phone.

I want to be a guest on talk shows, where I can wax philosophic about my childhood traumas and my astute political opinions.

I want to be the master of all things self-promotional. I want to make Kim kardashian look like a rank amateur when it comes to being famous for being talentless.

I want to be paid ten-of-thousands of dollars to attend parties given by the rich and powerful.

I want to be invited to the White House. I want to be a guest on the Bill Maher show.

I dream the dream that is quintessentially American. Posting “Brand Me” on Facebook will just not make it anymore. I want to be loved and admired by all. Hell, I even want a new clever name, like, “RiRoy”. Yeah, that works.

But most of all….

I want to marry a girl who is forty years younger than I am. Somewhere around nineteen or twenty years of age will do. A supermodel or a famous actress would be fine. Perhaps even a disgruntled Sports WAG.

And with straight face, I will go in front of the media and my loving fans to explain that Love knows no boundaries, and that me and my new love are seriously, head-over-heels, right down to the bone… In Love. We were a match made in heaven. Soul Mates.

Sure, there might be some naysayers out there who correctly point out that a man of my age has no business being in an intimate relationship with a child, and there might even be those who say that I used my power, wealth, and celebrity to nab myself a young large-breasted gold digger.

Obviously, they don’t know anything about Love.

Some things never change.

Have a day.

Riley

One Response to I Want To Be A Sugardaddy, Dammit!

  1. William Kramer

    Oh RiRoy, you hedonistic savage, you. Attempting to hide your lascivious impulses behind the facade of monogomistic marriage, when we all know that what you are really after is that bevy of nubile young girlfriends who accompany your so-called wife everywhere she goes. Still, John Smith and Brigham Young proclaimed the legitimacy of bigamy and “sister-wives” so, perhaps you’ve found a new cause celebre behind which to throw your new found socio-political influence.

    You will certainly need one, cause celebre. Today’s vacuous, talentless celebrities all have one. Even if only bad fashion production.

    Though, perhaps something seemingly more wholesome might be better. Habitat for humanity, perhaps. Touching photos of you and your lovely wife building homes in Subsarahan Africa complete with you taking care of her, washing the dust and mud from her shapely little legs and lustrous hair all before personally serving her dinner on some veranda.

    Now THAT’S love.

    Clearly the two you of you came together out of a mutual desire to make the world a better place.

    And if that doesn’t work, you can always silence those nay-sayers by quietly pointing out that as man and WOMAN, at least the two of you haven’t “redifined” the concept of marriage.

    Just my two cents worth,
    Individual values may vary.

    William Kramer

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