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Below you will find a listing of some of the characters and such that have appeared in the Mourning Mail over the past twenty years. It is these characters that provided the driving force in the early years. Since then, the author has moved away from storytelling, so these characters are seldom seen anymore.
Consider this listing a nostalgic trip for some of the readers who have been here since the beginning.
Will they ever show up again? Probably. The urge to tell a tall tale is always compelling, and when you have a cast of characters like this, who can resist?
Note that the character of “The Toady” is the name the author used for himself during the storytelling period.
ATTITUDE GIRL: A youngster with an attitude and a penchant for wearing spurs in bed.
BEA PEABODY (Ugly Woman): The Toady's first true love. They met in the middle of the Arizona Desert, where she lived as a naked hermit. Although smart as a whip, she is perhaps the ugliest woman on the face of the earth. They had one offspring, Bea Smith, who eventually married Major Ed when they met in the East Congo.
BIG DADDY: Neighbor and friend of the Toady. Husband of Mrs. Big Daddy, and father of all the Little Big Daddies. Big Daddy works at the nuclear power plant now, but in his earlier years, he was known as "The Big Daddy", probably the most famous surfer in the universe. Big Daddy can tell you anything you want to know about any car that was ever made. In his spare time, he writes small papers on unknown (and underappreciated) philosophers.
BILL THE BULL: Seems that Tracy took a real liking to him at Ned's, (it was “Rodeo Night”) and when she found out that he was an ex-rodeo bull on his way to the slaughterhouse, she got to weeping and crying. So, Ned and Major Ed paid a small recompense to the owner and we became the proud owners of a two-ton Brahma bull with a real liking for Budweiser. We only had one problem... where to keep him. She promised to feed him and clean up any mess he makes. Yeah, right. Have we heard this before? As an ex-rodeo bull, Bill the Bull hates clowns.
BEACHMASTER BOB: If you go out to the beach at just the right time, and the light is just right, you'll catch sight of Beachmaster Bob... standing in the mist, casting his spidery line into the surf. Knower of all things important, and advisor to all True Fishermen.
BO THE DOG: Although famous throughout the Central Coast, Bo the Dog is nothing more than the official Farm Dog... well, that and Official interpreter for the High Princess.
BOB THE ANDROID: Sent by Wizbang and Shirley to be Major Ed's personal bodyguard. He's quite possibly the worst bodyguard in the Universe. "I was an accountant, but we had this big reorganization, and Wizbang said he wanted everybody cross-trained to do things that they had no interest, experience, or capability of doing".
CARL THE COP: Carl the Cop is a policeman who once returned Bill the Bull after he had made havoc of a Clown's Convention.
CINDY CRAWFORD: Just wishful thinking.
COMPUTERGOD: The ultimate computer, who is unseen. ComputerGod's eventual plan is to take over the world. When nobody else can answer your computer questions, ComputerGod will call.
DOLF: The ol' Natural Log himself. Try to picture a muscular Arnold Swartznegger... a handsome Fabio... a sexy Toady... gad zooks! Dolf is the team mascot and head cheerleader for Team Laura. Dolf speaks no English, but he doesn’t need to.
THE FARM: Its where we live!
HI & JEB: (Hiram & Jebadiah): Young Mormon missionaries, Hi & Jeb stopped by the Farm to spread their Word. When they wandered out back, they met Tracy and Jilly, who were in the hot tub showing off their incredible lack of tan lines. Despite the best efforts of professional "Extractors", Hi & Jeb have never left the Farm since that fateful night. They now work as mechanics for "Team Laura".
HIGH PRINCESS OF THE EVIL GOLFERS: Kidnapped as a child by the Tuna Boat Pirates and forced to work as a galley slave with her twin, she was washed overboard during a particularly bitter battle with the Coast Guard, and was washed up near Pebble Beach, California. Here, she was adopted by the Evil Golfers, who eventually crowned her as their High Princess. While attempting to kill the Toady for writing an anti-golf article, she was captured and held at The Farm. Here, it was discovered that a birthmark on her little butt exactly matched that of one of The Farm’s residents. She had found her twin! Although she speaks no English (She speaks only a Pebble Beach dialect of Golf, and must use Bo the Dog as an interpreter), she has become a permanent resident of The Farm. Her favorite song is the Monthy Python song, “Spam”.
IT: A beautiful young lady who was willed to The Toady by a boyhood friend. She can only find happiness in a 24/7 "Master/Slave" relationship.
JILLY: We found Jilly a couple of years ago. I was surfcasting in the morning fog, and along comes this young lady, in a business suit and heels, walking dazed down the beach. She couldn't remember who she was. We adopted her.
LARRY, MOE, & CURLEY: The mechanics for Team Laura. Seeming to live and sleep in their coveralls, and never getting haircuts, they have the appearance of three skinny weasels. Together, they might eek out an IQ of 47.
LAURA: The Toady’s wife.
LIGHT RUNNING: A sport unique to the Central Coast of California. On extremely foggy nights, the young folks get naked, tie light sticks on their ankles and wrists, and through run through the fog. Its pretty!
LOOSIE & DESI: The two goats who live at the Farm. Although Desi is a lover, Loosie lives to ram unsuspecting victims who make the mistake of turning their back on her.
MAJOR ED: (also known as: Eddie, Sir Edmund Forsyth, General Eddie Goldberg -Savior of the Country of Israel, Colonel Demitri Vlad - Hero of the Russian People, Edward of the Desert, Star Commander Ed , and God Knows What Else!): Just exactly who, or what, Major Ed is, is shrouded in mystery. We do know the following: He is Ned's brother. He was married to Bea Smith. His face and body is a mass of scars. Age unknown. Has traveled the world... wherever there has been a war, Major Ed has been there. Rumors say that he was a "Spook" for the government. Rumor also has it that he has had a long-term "relationship" with Hillary Clinton. In the spring of 1996, Major Ed was diagnosed with cancer. He married Jilly. In the summer of 1996, he died, but the UFO Aliens put his brain in an android body... that looks just like Cindy Crawford. His brain was stolen by the Jujubees (more UFO Aliens)..... After we got the brain back, Major Ed was confined to his Cindy Crawford body for nearly two years, but it was just recently placed in a new android body that looks just like the old Major Ed (with a slight modification requested by Jilly).
MARGARET THE CAMEL: One of the three camels who live on The Farm, they all belong to Sid, but Margaret the Camel has somehow bonded with the Toady.
MIKE & MIKE: (Michelle & Michael): Two former brain surgeons who left the medical world, hopped on their Harley, and roamed the country. They stay at the Farm when they're on the Central Coast.
THE NATURAL LOG: (see Dolf):
NED (Nedburt): Owner of "Ned's" (a contemporary ADULT club for fairly liberated folks). Major Ed's brother. Ned can be easily recognized by his flaming red hair and beard. Like his brother, Ned's face and body are covered with scars.
SHIRLEY: One of the UFO Aliens. Her precise relationship with Wizbang has never been figured out.
SID (Sidarha): During Major Ed's illness, Sid came to America to serve as Major Ed's bodyguard. Sid brought his entire harem with him, and set up a giant tent on the Farm. When his services were no longer needed, and he wanted to go home, his harem had no intention of leaving California. Sid, his Head Wife, and the Harem are now permanent residents of the Farm.
TEAM LAURA: The combined group of mechanics, cheerleaders, sponsors, etc., who support Laura's racing tractor career. The official Team Laura color is baby blue.
THE MUSE: Every writer needs a muse.
THE TOADY: A simple man. A common man. A man on an endless search for peace and quiet.
THYROID THE TALKING FROG: Thyroid the Talking Frog is perhaps the horniest creature in the universe. The crack of dawn ain't safe from him.
TRACY: What can you say about Tracy? We found her during a party at Ned's, where she worked as a hostess. She is stunning to look at... a beautiful dragon tattoo starts at her ankle, wraps around her leg, up around her waist, then up her belly, where the dragon's head comes just above her breasts. Although never confirmed, rumor has it that she was purchased as a baby by a wealthy Fresno farmer, who kept her as a decoration. He gave her voice lessons, but never bothered to teach her to read or write. Tracy is a couple of cans (actually, several cans) short of a six-pack. Tracy has a special gift for working with animals. In March of 1996, Tracy turned up pregnant, and refused to name the father. Tracy has an ongoing engagement with Ned, but has never got around to getting married. Every one loves Tracy, and Tracy loves everyone.
UFO ALIENS: (see: Shirley and Wizbang):
THE VIRGIN DOCTOR DARLING: The Toady's personal Physician. Although often mistaken as a Playmate of The Year, the Virgin Doctor Darling has taken a vow to reject all carnal pleasures so that she can completely serve mankind with her medical skills.
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